still happy...(brief interlude)....and still happy

A year ago today, I was still happy.  I was full of excitement at the coming holidays with my new husband.  I was still relaxed and tan from our honeymoon.  I was wistful and romantic and hopeful that I was at the beginning of a great marriage, a time of growing together in adventure, love, and sensuality.  I thought the puzzle piece had been found - my puzzle piece.

Not that everything had been perfect.  I wish it had been MORE perfect as maybe that would have raised some hair on the back of my neck.  My romance and love addled brain had rationalized away the small things.....the pressure.....the few disagreements with thoughts of how this would be normal for anyone in a new relationship.  Normal for anyone who had just moved over 1100 miles (not that I would have had those issues - but I am an explorer).  Normal for anyone whose father had just passed away the year prior.  You get the idea.  My happy-go-lucky self would wake up each morning thinking that those stresses and triggers would go away, and the happy-go-lucky partner that I had found would re-emerge, fresh as a daisy, and we would continue on our path of love, and singing, dancing, and cooking, eating, and kissing, and living.  For the first time in a very long time....I had let my guard down.  I had let someone in.  I was trusting another soul with mine.

I distinctly remember that a year ago today, I was blissfully unaware of what I had created for myself, and by extension, for my children.  My children that I had sheltered as much as possible in the years since their father and I had split up.  I had not introduced them to a single person that I had gone out with since 2004.  2004 until 2012.........and then the fateful day came when I did introduce them to someone.  But I am getting off track.  (My own brain just said to me, "Wouldn't be the first time" to myself in a sarcastic way in my head.  Lovely.  Thanks, own brain.)

Looking back at how I felt last year, I was brimming with energy and excitement at home and at work.  Still selling real estate which I have loved now for 15 years and launching a new business venture in wedding and event planning.  Our new home was coming together.  The boys were doing fairly well at school.  We had a fantastic dog (Chadwick is the best!).  There was some uneasiness - especially around the kitchen and food and cooking - and my mind rationalized that a person in their 40's and a person in the 50's that had been single for so long would certainly have some ruffling of feathers when moving in together.  Surely, that would fade away in the distance like a stomach flu soon forgotten.  I was so unaware of what was around the corner.

I am sharing this with you today because this is a bittersweet anniversary for me.  I remember the feelings of joy, satisfaction, excitement, pride, and relief that I had last year this day.  I had found the one, my one, and we were married.  And then, we went shopping for Halloween costumes.  Ethan was with us, ready to search for the perfect costume for his trick-or-treating extravaganza.  That shopping trip was the first time that things went very poorly.......horribly awry.......and I was so uncomfortable and confused and disturbed........and it is the first time that the little siren went off in my head, and I knew that something was really wrong.

And for the first time......I could not rationalize it away.  I did not rationalize it away.

Then came the fights over Thanksgiving and who would cook and what we would have.....then a downward spiral that threw me around like I was in a washing machine and shot me out of a cannon and has landed me right here.  Right here a year later, on my own with my amazing sons - the Three Musketeers again.

How do I feel about the whole thing?  Well, I know that when I fell in love in 2011 and 2012, it was a wonderful feeling that I have not really ever felt before in my life.  It made me feel good!  And it made me realize that I can have those feelings of love and lust and abandon and laughter with someone and be lost in the moment...lost in a smile....that time can play in slow motion in a kiss or a hug with the sound of your own heartbeat in your ears as music.  I had started to think I would never have those feelings again.  So I want to thank that person for awakening the exuberant lover in me again.  Even though things have not panned out - I can still leave those memories intact, and the way that I felt about myself and life intact and separate.  That is a choice I can make.  I am convinced that I can find the person that will make me feel that way again AND have all the other attributes, philosophies, and approaches to life so that we can sing together for years to come.  He is out there somewhere, and I will be in front of him sometime.

I am grateful as I pass through this anniversary that I was able to take action for myself and the boys and the dog.  That I am strong enough to let go of something that was not good for ANY of us involved, including my soon-to-be ex.  I am so appreciative that things got as bad as they did so quickly so that the choice was easier to make.  I would have died inside if things had stayed just a few levels better as I would have stayed for years...trying to make it work....losing myself in the process....never succeeding....and suffering emotional exsanguination before finally laying the relationship to rest.  God did not want that for me  - I am here as a lover of life and a doer of things and a dreamer of dreams.  That is one of the best outcomes from what has happened here.

I can honestly say to you all that after extreme heartbreak, bowel-shaking disappointment, and a soul crushing episode that I am whole hearted, and that I am still happy. :-)  Happy "Still Happy" Anniversary to me!

Wide awake at 1:33 a.m.

Do you ever find yourself awake in the middle of the night having a "Talking Heads" moment - asking yourself, "Well....how did I get here?"  I am having one of those nights tonight.  I suppose I have been more successful at work than at relationships. The funny thing is, I feel as if I am good at relationships too.  They do not seem to manifest themselves for very long though, so I must not be.

I wish I could understand what happens.  I am careful not to push too hard, or be too much too soon.  I let the guy make the initial contacts nearly everyday, I do not get upset if plans change last minute, or if someone is having a stressed out day.  I smile, laugh, sing, feel joy, am extremely passionate, am direct in my communications while maintaining what has been described as an East Coast sense of decorum.  Most days (other than nights like tonight when I am awake at nearly 2:00), I am a big thinker, with goals and dreams and a desire to make them happen followed up by action.  I love to go places new and old, have favorite haunts yet still enjoy a freshly discovered place.  Music and movies are a huge part of my life, I love people and being social, and dancing.  I cook. While many would argue this - I feel I can be somewhat humorous.  I send little thank you or random gifts to people, and once I even surprised one of my ex-husbands with a car.

I actually want to make people smile.

Why am I alone?

On top of it, on a night like this, I think of other people, as quirky and delightful in their own way as I am in mine that are also alone.  Why?  It seems as if people who are couples have a magical skill that was taught on a day that I was out sick, and I never made up the work, and the teacher would not give me the lesson plan.

While I am truly one of the biggest Pollyannas I know (tomorrow morning, I will be singing songs and laughing at my morose moment of the previous night), I certainly know that couple are not living in a fairytale world of blue skies and flying kites everyday.  But they were able to find someone that was willing to work for them, for the relationship,   for the idea of the existence of the "duo".

Some people (if anyone actually reads this) will think that I am unhappy being alone.  That is not entirely true.  I live a full life on my own.  About once a year, I have this night.  This night where I cannot figure out why no man seems to get me, or think that I am special, or worthwhile.  When I know that no matter how hard I try to "do everything right", it just doesn't seem to matter, at least not to the prospects that I select.

If anyone is reading this that knows me well, they will probably know that I tend to be a very black and white thinker, without a lot of gray area.  Is that the problem?  If it is, I cannot change the very foundation of how I think, how I have created my life's philosophies, and how I see the world.

The part that I hate the most is when I actually let my guard down, when I actually let someone into my heart, when I think "this time it's different"....when I open my mind up to the possibility of someone finding me special.....and I take a risk and put myself on the line only to be hurt soon thereafter.  For some reason, maybe because I am a CEO, maybe because I don't let my feelings show, it almost seems as if people do not realize how much they have hurt me.  Inside, I am crushed....crushed to the point of barely being able to breathe......and I just say okay and move on.

And everyone else rushes at me barely noticing,  maybe asking if I am sick, and I will casually mention that my allergies are acting up, and what can I help them with, and the world keeps turning.  And people keep telling me they are so amazed at what a strong person I am.