C'est vrai. C'est moi.
Donc, pour le mois passé, j'ai courageusement enduré les railleries, les moqueries taquine, les sourcils levés, les conseils non sollicités, les chortles, les yeux révulsés et les hochements de tête comme des amis ont découvert que j'ai eu l'audace de tomber en amour. Encore une fois.
J'ai eu la sagesse de minimiser les explications ou tout moyen de défense.
A partir des années 2005 jusqu'en 2011, j'avais gagné (à juste titre , à bien des égards) le titre peu enviable de 'pointilleux Bitch' de notre troupeau de copines. Ma liste de 'disqualifiers automatiques' a été longue, détaillée, et immuable. C'était assez épique .... causant certaines femmes m'invitent à parler à leurs jeunes sœurs et les filles de l'adolescence, le partage des listes soigneusement abattus et le raisonnement derrière chaque élément.
Ensuite, le puissant tombé comme je l'ai été recueillie par un criminel lisse. Un escroc brillante qui a eu un plaisir particulier à tromper quelqu'un d'aussi prudent, en incitant quelqu'un avec un tel mur construit pour protéger sa 'forte sur-extérieur-aspect-encore-si-délicat-l'intérieur' de coeur. Il devait avoir un sens comme de la réalisation de frapper celui-ci plus (j'étais sur 6 dans la ligne. Oh bien - Content d'avoir pensé à elle rapidement et échappé indemne.)
Et c'est ainsi qu'a commencé l'autopsie d'amis et de famille, à essayer de comprendre comment cela s'était passé. Qu'est-ce qui n'allait pas avec moi? Comment avais-je laisser cela se produire? J'étais le plus fort qu'ils sont venus en essayant de décider si oui ou non d'aller sur une deuxième date! Si l'on pouvait m'arriver ....... à qui d'autre pourrait-il se passer? Je dois avoir agi trop vite. Longue distance ne vous permet pas de faire connaissance avec quelqu'un de vraiment bien. Nous aurions vécu ensemble/été engagé plus/pas vécu ensemble.
Que puis-je dire? C'est arrivé. J'ai pensé à elle. Je suis passé par le chagrin de se rendre compte que j'avais fait une décision de vie basée sur non seulement un mensonge ... mais beaucoup des mensonges. J'ai dû lâcher du rêve que j'avais tenu si cher de trouver celui, mon partenaire, celui qui chantait pour moi, celui qui ferait mon coeur chanter. J'ai récupérée.
Que vais-je faire? Pleurer tous les jours? Bien sûr, ce n'est pas ce que je ferais. Je n'ai pas été mis sur cette terre pour vivre dans un ressassement continuel de déception, la tristesse et la négativité. Je n'ai pas gagné le surnom de 'Weeble' par se vautrer dans la misère pour toute longueur de temps.
Ma famille était triste. Ma maman a proclamé que j'étais "pas le droit de parler aux garçons". Ma sœur m'a dit que je n'étais pas autorisé à jamais se remarier. Mon frère a dit qu'il m'avait connu toute ma vie, et que je suis très heureux quand je suis seul (il a un point là. Je suis heureux de presque tous les jours au dessus du sol, je suppose que je suis juste chanceux de cette façon). C'était assez agréable de voir comment beaucoup de gens m'aimaient et voulaient me protéger du mal et la douleur. (Je suppose que je suis juste chanceux que trop.)
L'essentiel pour moi est que j'ai décidé que la dernière relation a été une erreur de casting. Le rôle - le rôle principal masculin dans ma vie - était encore un grand rôle qui devait être rempli! Le défaut n'était pas avec mon désir et mon rêve - la faille était dans le caractère embauché pour le poste. Je me suis réveillé en Septembre prêt à commencer une nouvelle recherche.
J'ai pris un peu de temps. Je n'ai même pas fait mon profil de match.com jusqu'à ce que le début d'Octobre. Même alors, je n'ai pas payé pour un abonnement jusqu'à l'Halloween. Puis, je me suis réveillé et j'ai décidé qu'il était temps de vous abonner, tendre la main, et de voir qui pourrait être à la recherche d' une vie comme celle que je cherchais à créer. J'ai signé pour six mois ... Je ne pense pas que je m'attendais à rencontrer quelqu'un qui change la vie cette semaine, ou même ce jour-là .
Qu'est-ce que dire quand les gens font des plans, Dieu rit? Ce jour-là , dans l'un des cinq premiers profils que j'ai examinés, j'ai vu a grand, beau, la science-fiction, l'âge approprié (si il ne mentait pas) locale, avec succès, d'articuler, l'amant de la musique des années 80, l'homme irlandaise et américaine portait un kilt. Disons que pour un moment, je pensais que je rêvais, et que j'avais évoquée un profil parfait d'un homme. Je pensais que j'avais une sorte d'hallucination provoquée par tant d'années de recherche et d'attente. De ce que je me rappelle, j'ai envoyé un courriel d'une ligne qui dit simplement: "Comment puis-je résister à un homme en kilt?" et la conversation a commencée .
En ce moment.
Et les quelques derniers mois ont été enivrant, déroutant, délicieux, de suspense, de tension, d'humour, amusement, aventure, et étonnant. Il est intelligent, charmant, courtois, chevaleresque, ringard, créatif, drôle, attentionné, social, généreux, sympathique, honnête, aventureux, unique, humain, nostalgique, futuriste, confiant, et envoûtante. Mes joues sont douloureux de sourire. Je suis tombé - et je ne veux pas me lever.
Donc .... après avoir été désigné comme le 'Plus Pointilleux Bitch' pendant tant d'années ..... maintenant on me dit que je suis tombé amoureux trop vite! Il y a des déclarations faites que je dois J'adore la sensation de tomber en amour (sur une note de côté - est-ce que quelqu'un vivant qui n'aime pas la sensation de tomber dans l'amour) que je suis comme une écolière idiot qui se déplace trop vite.
Il m'a frappé comme une culture, nous sommes terriblement difficile à satisfaire. Quand quelqu'un n'est pas dans une relation, les gens disent qu'ils doivent être ouverts à trouver l'amour. Ils devraient sortir plus, rendez-vous en ligne, répondre à leur chiropraticien, utiliser un entremetteur, accident de mariages, porter des robes sexy, porter des vêtements moins révélateurs, habiller, habiller le bas, s'attarder dans le département de légumes, prendre des cours de sushi maker, randonnée pédestre/vélo/tricycle, et se promener dans les allées de Home Depot demander de l'aide attrayant, les acheteurs sans bandes de mariage. Hhmm. Toutes les grandes idées. Que faire si je veux juste rester à la maison dans des pantalons de yoga regarder épisode après épisode de "Dr Who"?
Quand nous sommes avec quelqu'un de spécial, les gens disent être prudent, ne bougez pas trop rapide, trop lent, exécuter une vérification des antécédents, de garder vos options ouvertes, vous devriez être exclusif maintenant, se rend pas trop, pas trop disponible, ne pas jouer trop difficile à obtenir en premier lieu, ne texte pas trop, ils devraient vous rencontrer des amis, il est trop tôt pour rencontrer des amis, avez-vous voyagé ensemble encore? Est-ce un rebond? Est-ce grave? Est-ce juste une phase? Toutes les grandes questions et suggestions. Que faire si je veux juste que personne ce jour-là et voir ce qui se passe?
Oui, vous pourriez vous blesser à nouveau par quelqu'un d'autre. Et pourtant, n'est-il pas pénible de passer un autre jour férié seul? Il ya des avantages et des inconvénients à chaque situation.
Voici ce que j'ai appris. Il n'ya pas de carte de recette parfaite pour une relation fructueuse en ce qui concerne le temps. Je connais un vrai couple marié que de l'autre un mois après leur rencontre et ils ont été heureux ensemble pendant plus de vingt ans. Je connais un couple qui était ensemble depuis 11 ans, alors ils se sont mariés et ont divorcé dans l'année. Amèrement. Je connais des gens qui ont juré off datant pour une certaine période de temps après une rupture, et ils avaient encore leur cœur est brisé à nouveau avec la relation suivante. Je connais un couple qui savait chaque autre comme des amis de plus de six ans sans jamais donner l'autre une seconde pensée romantique jusqu'a un an sur le 4 Juillet quand ils ont vu l'autre dans une toute nouvelle lumière au dessous les feux d'artifice. Ils sont mariés avec un bébé maintenant. Il est juste sans rime ni raison de dicter comment et quand nous pourrions rencontrer la personne de spécial avec qui nous pourrions construire un avenir.
Pour citer John Hughes dans 'Jour de Ferris Bueller', "Ouais. Je l'ai déjà dit et je le répète. Vie passe vite. Si vous ne vous arrêtez pas et regardez autour de temps en temps, vous pourriez manquer".
Sauter à pieds ....
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Monday, January 20, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Guess who has fallen....and doesn't want to get up?
That is right. It is me.
So, for the past month, I have bravely endured the taunts, the teases, the jibes, the raised brows, the unsolicited advice, the chortles, the rolled eyes, and the shaking heads as friends have discovered that I have had the audacity to fall in love. Again.
I have had the sense to minimize any explanations or any defense.
From the years 2005 through 2011, I had earned (rightfully so, in many respects) the dubious title of "Pickiest Rhymes-with-Witch" out of our gaggle of girlfriends. My list of "Automatic Disqualifiers" was long, detailed, and immutable. It was fairly epic....causing some women to invite me to speak to their younger sisters and teen daughters, sharing the carefully culled lists and the reasoning behind each item.
Then, the mighty fell as I was taken in by a smooth criminal. A brilliant con artist that took special delight in deceiving someone so careful, in tricking someone with such a wall built up to protect her strong-on-outward-appearance-yet-so-delicate-inside heart. He must have had a such a sense of achievement to knock this one over (I was about 6th in the line. Oh well - glad I figured it out quickly and escaped unscathed.)
And so began the post-mortem of friends and family, trying to figure out how it had happened. What was wrong with me? How had I let this happen? I was the strong one that they came to when trying to decide whether or not to go on a second date! If it could happen to me.......to whom else could it happen? I must have acted too fast. Long distance doesn't let you get to know someone really well. We should have lived together/been engaged longer/not lived together.
What can I say? It happened. I figured it out. I went through the heartbreak of realizing that I had made a life decision based on not just one lie...but so many. I had to let go of the dream that I had held so dear of finding the one, my partner, the one who would sing to me, the one that would make my heart sing. I got over it.
What am I going to do? Cry everyday? Most assuredly, I would not. I was not put on this earth to live in a continual rehashing of disappointment, sorrow, and negativity. I did not earn the nickname "the Weeble" by wallowing in misery for any length of time.
My family was sad. My Mom proclaimed that I was "not allowed to talk to boys". My sister said that I was not allowed to ever get married again. My brother said that he had known me my entire life, and that I am pretty happy when I am alone (he has a point there - I am happy nearly everyday above ground. I guess I am just lucky that way). It was pretty nice to see how many people loved me and wanted to protect me from hurt and pain. (I guess I am just lucky that way too.)
The bottom line for me is that I decided that the last relationship was a casting error. The role - the male lead role in my life - was still a great role that needed to be filled! The flaw was not with my desire and my dream - the flaw was in the character hired for the job. I woke up in September ready to beginning scouting again.
I did take some time. I didn't even make my match.com profile until the beginning of October. Even then, I did not pay for a membership until Halloween. Then, I woke up and decided it was time to subscribe, reach out, and see who might be looking for a life like the one I was looking to create. I signed up for 6 months...I don't think that I expected to meet someone life-altering that week, or even that very day.
What is that saying about when people make plans,God laughs? That day, in one of the first five profiles I reviewed, I saw a tall, cute, science fiction loving, age appropriate (if he wasn't fibbing), local, employed, articulate, 80's music adoring, Irish & American man with an additional picture wearing a kilt. Let's just say for a moment, I thought I was daydreaming, and that I had conjured up a perfect profile of a man. I thought maybe I was having some sort of hallucination brought on by so many years of searching and waiting. From what I recollect, I sent a one-line email that simply said, "How can I resist a man in a kilt?" and the conversation began.
In that moment.
And the past few months have been intoxicating, unnerving, delightful, suspenseful, tense, humorous, fun, adventurous, and amazing. He is intelligent, charming, gracious, chivalrous, nerdy, creative, funny, attentive, social, generous, friendly, honest, adventurous, unique, human, nostalgic, futuristic, confident, and mesmerizing. My cheeks are sore from smiling. I have fallen - and I do not want to get up.
SO....after being designated as the "Pickiest Rhymes-With-Witch" for so many years.....now I am being told that I fall in love too fast! There are assertions being made that I must just love the feeling of falling in love (on a side note - who doesn't?) That I am like a silly schoolgirl that moves too fast.
It has struck me that as a culture, we are awfully difficult to please. When someone is single, people will say they should open themselves up to finding love. They should go out more, go online, meet their chiropractor, use a matchmaker, crash weddings, wear lower cut blouses, wear less revealing clothes, dress up, dress down, linger in the vegetable department, take sushi making classes, hike/bike/trike, and wander the aisles of Home Depot asking for help from attractive, ringless shoppers. Hhmm. All great ideas. What if I just want to stay home in yoga pants watching "Hoarder" marathons?
When we are with someone, people say be careful, don't move too fast, it's moving too slow, run a background check, keep your options open, you should be exclusive by now, don't call too much, don't be too available, don't play too hard to get, don't text first, they should meet you friends, it is too soon to meet your friends, have you travelled together yet? Is this a rebound? Is this serious? Is this just a phase? All great suggestions and questions. What if I just want to date this person and see what happens?
Yes, you might get hurt. And yet, doesn't it hurt to spend another holiday alone? There are pros and cons to each situation.
Here is what I have learned. There is no perfect recipe card for a successful relationship in regards to time. I know a real couple that married each other a month after they met and they have been together happily for over twenty years. I know a couple that was together for 11 years, then they married and divorced within a year. Bitterly. I know people that have "sworn off" dating for a certain period of time after a break up, and they still had their heart's broken again with the next relationship. I know a couple that knew each other as friends for over six years without ever giving each other a second thought romantically until one year on the 4th of July when they saw each other in a whole new light under the fireworks. They are married with a baby now. There is just no rhyme or reason to dictate how or when we might meet the special person with whom we could build a future.
To quote John Hughes in 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off', "Yep. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it."
Jumping in with both feet....
So, for the past month, I have bravely endured the taunts, the teases, the jibes, the raised brows, the unsolicited advice, the chortles, the rolled eyes, and the shaking heads as friends have discovered that I have had the audacity to fall in love. Again.
I have had the sense to minimize any explanations or any defense.
From the years 2005 through 2011, I had earned (rightfully so, in many respects) the dubious title of "Pickiest Rhymes-with-Witch" out of our gaggle of girlfriends. My list of "Automatic Disqualifiers" was long, detailed, and immutable. It was fairly epic....causing some women to invite me to speak to their younger sisters and teen daughters, sharing the carefully culled lists and the reasoning behind each item.
Then, the mighty fell as I was taken in by a smooth criminal. A brilliant con artist that took special delight in deceiving someone so careful, in tricking someone with such a wall built up to protect her strong-on-outward-appearance-yet-so-delicate-inside heart. He must have had a such a sense of achievement to knock this one over (I was about 6th in the line. Oh well - glad I figured it out quickly and escaped unscathed.)
And so began the post-mortem of friends and family, trying to figure out how it had happened. What was wrong with me? How had I let this happen? I was the strong one that they came to when trying to decide whether or not to go on a second date! If it could happen to me.......to whom else could it happen? I must have acted too fast. Long distance doesn't let you get to know someone really well. We should have lived together/been engaged longer/not lived together.
What can I say? It happened. I figured it out. I went through the heartbreak of realizing that I had made a life decision based on not just one lie...but so many. I had to let go of the dream that I had held so dear of finding the one, my partner, the one who would sing to me, the one that would make my heart sing. I got over it.
What am I going to do? Cry everyday? Most assuredly, I would not. I was not put on this earth to live in a continual rehashing of disappointment, sorrow, and negativity. I did not earn the nickname "the Weeble" by wallowing in misery for any length of time.
My family was sad. My Mom proclaimed that I was "not allowed to talk to boys". My sister said that I was not allowed to ever get married again. My brother said that he had known me my entire life, and that I am pretty happy when I am alone (he has a point there - I am happy nearly everyday above ground. I guess I am just lucky that way). It was pretty nice to see how many people loved me and wanted to protect me from hurt and pain. (I guess I am just lucky that way too.)
The bottom line for me is that I decided that the last relationship was a casting error. The role - the male lead role in my life - was still a great role that needed to be filled! The flaw was not with my desire and my dream - the flaw was in the character hired for the job. I woke up in September ready to beginning scouting again.
I did take some time. I didn't even make my match.com profile until the beginning of October. Even then, I did not pay for a membership until Halloween. Then, I woke up and decided it was time to subscribe, reach out, and see who might be looking for a life like the one I was looking to create. I signed up for 6 months...I don't think that I expected to meet someone life-altering that week, or even that very day.
What is that saying about when people make plans,God laughs? That day, in one of the first five profiles I reviewed, I saw a tall, cute, science fiction loving, age appropriate (if he wasn't fibbing), local, employed, articulate, 80's music adoring, Irish & American man with an additional picture wearing a kilt. Let's just say for a moment, I thought I was daydreaming, and that I had conjured up a perfect profile of a man. I thought maybe I was having some sort of hallucination brought on by so many years of searching and waiting. From what I recollect, I sent a one-line email that simply said, "How can I resist a man in a kilt?" and the conversation began.
In that moment.
And the past few months have been intoxicating, unnerving, delightful, suspenseful, tense, humorous, fun, adventurous, and amazing. He is intelligent, charming, gracious, chivalrous, nerdy, creative, funny, attentive, social, generous, friendly, honest, adventurous, unique, human, nostalgic, futuristic, confident, and mesmerizing. My cheeks are sore from smiling. I have fallen - and I do not want to get up.
SO....after being designated as the "Pickiest Rhymes-With-Witch" for so many years.....now I am being told that I fall in love too fast! There are assertions being made that I must just love the feeling of falling in love (on a side note - who doesn't?) That I am like a silly schoolgirl that moves too fast.
It has struck me that as a culture, we are awfully difficult to please. When someone is single, people will say they should open themselves up to finding love. They should go out more, go online, meet their chiropractor, use a matchmaker, crash weddings, wear lower cut blouses, wear less revealing clothes, dress up, dress down, linger in the vegetable department, take sushi making classes, hike/bike/trike, and wander the aisles of Home Depot asking for help from attractive, ringless shoppers. Hhmm. All great ideas. What if I just want to stay home in yoga pants watching "Hoarder" marathons?
When we are with someone, people say be careful, don't move too fast, it's moving too slow, run a background check, keep your options open, you should be exclusive by now, don't call too much, don't be too available, don't play too hard to get, don't text first, they should meet you friends, it is too soon to meet your friends, have you travelled together yet? Is this a rebound? Is this serious? Is this just a phase? All great suggestions and questions. What if I just want to date this person and see what happens?
Yes, you might get hurt. And yet, doesn't it hurt to spend another holiday alone? There are pros and cons to each situation.
Here is what I have learned. There is no perfect recipe card for a successful relationship in regards to time. I know a real couple that married each other a month after they met and they have been together happily for over twenty years. I know a couple that was together for 11 years, then they married and divorced within a year. Bitterly. I know people that have "sworn off" dating for a certain period of time after a break up, and they still had their heart's broken again with the next relationship. I know a couple that knew each other as friends for over six years without ever giving each other a second thought romantically until one year on the 4th of July when they saw each other in a whole new light under the fireworks. They are married with a baby now. There is just no rhyme or reason to dictate how or when we might meet the special person with whom we could build a future.
To quote John Hughes in 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off', "Yep. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it."
Jumping in with both feet....
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
still happy...(brief interlude)....and still happy
A year ago today, I was still happy. I was full of excitement at the coming holidays with my new husband. I was still relaxed and tan from our honeymoon. I was wistful and romantic and hopeful that I was at the beginning of a great marriage, a time of growing together in adventure, love, and sensuality. I thought the puzzle piece had been found - my puzzle piece.
Not that everything had been perfect. I wish it had been MORE perfect as maybe that would have raised some hair on the back of my neck. My romance and love addled brain had rationalized away the small things.....the pressure.....the few disagreements with thoughts of how this would be normal for anyone in a new relationship. Normal for anyone who had just moved over 1100 miles (not that I would have had those issues - but I am an explorer). Normal for anyone whose father had just passed away the year prior. You get the idea. My happy-go-lucky self would wake up each morning thinking that those stresses and triggers would go away, and the happy-go-lucky partner that I had found would re-emerge, fresh as a daisy, and we would continue on our path of love, and singing, dancing, and cooking, eating, and kissing, and living. For the first time in a very long time....I had let my guard down. I had let someone in. I was trusting another soul with mine.
I distinctly remember that a year ago today, I was blissfully unaware of what I had created for myself, and by extension, for my children. My children that I had sheltered as much as possible in the years since their father and I had split up. I had not introduced them to a single person that I had gone out with since 2004. 2004 until 2012.........and then the fateful day came when I did introduce them to someone. But I am getting off track. (My own brain just said to me, "Wouldn't be the first time" to myself in a sarcastic way in my head. Lovely. Thanks, own brain.)
Looking back at how I felt last year, I was brimming with energy and excitement at home and at work. Still selling real estate which I have loved now for 15 years and launching a new business venture in wedding and event planning. Our new home was coming together. The boys were doing fairly well at school. We had a fantastic dog (Chadwick is the best!). There was some uneasiness - especially around the kitchen and food and cooking - and my mind rationalized that a person in their 40's and a person in the 50's that had been single for so long would certainly have some ruffling of feathers when moving in together. Surely, that would fade away in the distance like a stomach flu soon forgotten. I was so unaware of what was around the corner.
I am sharing this with you today because this is a bittersweet anniversary for me. I remember the feelings of joy, satisfaction, excitement, pride, and relief that I had last year this day. I had found the one, my one, and we were married. And then, we went shopping for Halloween costumes. Ethan was with us, ready to search for the perfect costume for his trick-or-treating extravaganza. That shopping trip was the first time that things went very poorly.......horribly awry.......and I was so uncomfortable and confused and disturbed........and it is the first time that the little siren went off in my head, and I knew that something was really wrong.
And for the first time......I could not rationalize it away. I did not rationalize it away.
Then came the fights over Thanksgiving and who would cook and what we would have.....then a downward spiral that threw me around like I was in a washing machine and shot me out of a cannon and has landed me right here. Right here a year later, on my own with my amazing sons - the Three Musketeers again.
How do I feel about the whole thing? Well, I know that when I fell in love in 2011 and 2012, it was a wonderful feeling that I have not really ever felt before in my life. It made me feel good! And it made me realize that I can have those feelings of love and lust and abandon and laughter with someone and be lost in the moment...lost in a smile....that time can play in slow motion in a kiss or a hug with the sound of your own heartbeat in your ears as music. I had started to think I would never have those feelings again. So I want to thank that person for awakening the exuberant lover in me again. Even though things have not panned out - I can still leave those memories intact, and the way that I felt about myself and life intact and separate. That is a choice I can make. I am convinced that I can find the person that will make me feel that way again AND have all the other attributes, philosophies, and approaches to life so that we can sing together for years to come. He is out there somewhere, and I will be in front of him sometime.
I am grateful as I pass through this anniversary that I was able to take action for myself and the boys and the dog. That I am strong enough to let go of something that was not good for ANY of us involved, including my soon-to-be ex. I am so appreciative that things got as bad as they did so quickly so that the choice was easier to make. I would have died inside if things had stayed just a few levels better as I would have stayed for years...trying to make it work....losing myself in the process....never succeeding....and suffering emotional exsanguination before finally laying the relationship to rest. God did not want that for me - I am here as a lover of life and a doer of things and a dreamer of dreams. That is one of the best outcomes from what has happened here.
I can honestly say to you all that after extreme heartbreak, bowel-shaking disappointment, and a soul crushing episode that I am whole hearted, and that I am still happy. :-) Happy "Still Happy" Anniversary to me!
Not that everything had been perfect. I wish it had been MORE perfect as maybe that would have raised some hair on the back of my neck. My romance and love addled brain had rationalized away the small things.....the pressure.....the few disagreements with thoughts of how this would be normal for anyone in a new relationship. Normal for anyone who had just moved over 1100 miles (not that I would have had those issues - but I am an explorer). Normal for anyone whose father had just passed away the year prior. You get the idea. My happy-go-lucky self would wake up each morning thinking that those stresses and triggers would go away, and the happy-go-lucky partner that I had found would re-emerge, fresh as a daisy, and we would continue on our path of love, and singing, dancing, and cooking, eating, and kissing, and living. For the first time in a very long time....I had let my guard down. I had let someone in. I was trusting another soul with mine.
I distinctly remember that a year ago today, I was blissfully unaware of what I had created for myself, and by extension, for my children. My children that I had sheltered as much as possible in the years since their father and I had split up. I had not introduced them to a single person that I had gone out with since 2004. 2004 until 2012.........and then the fateful day came when I did introduce them to someone. But I am getting off track. (My own brain just said to me, "Wouldn't be the first time" to myself in a sarcastic way in my head. Lovely. Thanks, own brain.)
Looking back at how I felt last year, I was brimming with energy and excitement at home and at work. Still selling real estate which I have loved now for 15 years and launching a new business venture in wedding and event planning. Our new home was coming together. The boys were doing fairly well at school. We had a fantastic dog (Chadwick is the best!). There was some uneasiness - especially around the kitchen and food and cooking - and my mind rationalized that a person in their 40's and a person in the 50's that had been single for so long would certainly have some ruffling of feathers when moving in together. Surely, that would fade away in the distance like a stomach flu soon forgotten. I was so unaware of what was around the corner.
I am sharing this with you today because this is a bittersweet anniversary for me. I remember the feelings of joy, satisfaction, excitement, pride, and relief that I had last year this day. I had found the one, my one, and we were married. And then, we went shopping for Halloween costumes. Ethan was with us, ready to search for the perfect costume for his trick-or-treating extravaganza. That shopping trip was the first time that things went very poorly.......horribly awry.......and I was so uncomfortable and confused and disturbed........and it is the first time that the little siren went off in my head, and I knew that something was really wrong.
And for the first time......I could not rationalize it away. I did not rationalize it away.
Then came the fights over Thanksgiving and who would cook and what we would have.....then a downward spiral that threw me around like I was in a washing machine and shot me out of a cannon and has landed me right here. Right here a year later, on my own with my amazing sons - the Three Musketeers again.
How do I feel about the whole thing? Well, I know that when I fell in love in 2011 and 2012, it was a wonderful feeling that I have not really ever felt before in my life. It made me feel good! And it made me realize that I can have those feelings of love and lust and abandon and laughter with someone and be lost in the moment...lost in a smile....that time can play in slow motion in a kiss or a hug with the sound of your own heartbeat in your ears as music. I had started to think I would never have those feelings again. So I want to thank that person for awakening the exuberant lover in me again. Even though things have not panned out - I can still leave those memories intact, and the way that I felt about myself and life intact and separate. That is a choice I can make. I am convinced that I can find the person that will make me feel that way again AND have all the other attributes, philosophies, and approaches to life so that we can sing together for years to come. He is out there somewhere, and I will be in front of him sometime.
I am grateful as I pass through this anniversary that I was able to take action for myself and the boys and the dog. That I am strong enough to let go of something that was not good for ANY of us involved, including my soon-to-be ex. I am so appreciative that things got as bad as they did so quickly so that the choice was easier to make. I would have died inside if things had stayed just a few levels better as I would have stayed for years...trying to make it work....losing myself in the process....never succeeding....and suffering emotional exsanguination before finally laying the relationship to rest. God did not want that for me - I am here as a lover of life and a doer of things and a dreamer of dreams. That is one of the best outcomes from what has happened here.
I can honestly say to you all that after extreme heartbreak, bowel-shaking disappointment, and a soul crushing episode that I am whole hearted, and that I am still happy. :-) Happy "Still Happy" Anniversary to me!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Prêt à écrire et prêt pour un nouvel amour ....
Après un an d' ahurissant anxiété, la déception, le stress, et le chaos .... je me sens un peu comme la femme que j'ai appris à connaître et à aimer toutes ces années d' existence cognitive. ( Hallelujah ) Ce mariage était une brève diversion de la joie, de l'aventure, et l'amour que je crée dans ma vie ici, à Santa Monica, et je suis heureux de se réveiller seul avec un sourire plutôt que de se réveiller avec quelqu'un qui ne m'aime pas comme je suis .
Cela étant dit, beaucoup de gens m'ont demandé si je savais que les choses n'étaient pas tout à fait raison, et même si je n'ai pas relier les points à l'époque, que je regarde en arrière je vois que l'un des premiers signes que quelque chose n'allait pas avec mon cœur et l'âme, c'est là que j'ai réalisé que je ne voulais pas écrire sur mon amour ou ma relation ou mon mariage. Je suis entré dans une grotte et je n'ai pas envie de partager - et ce n'est pas la personne que je suis. Et les rares fois où j'ai essayé d'écrire, je n'étais pas moi-même directement et naturel. Franchement, pour tous ceux qui ont lu le post que j'ai fait sur la performance de violon - ce n'était pas la vraie fin . J'étais coincé dans un niveau surréaliste enfer Dante-esque où même une simple soirée avec mon dessus de la moyenne dans les deux regards et intelligence élève de cinquième a été un désastre tumultueux à cause de mon mari.
Alors, imaginez ce que je ressens maintenant que le désir d'écrire et de partager ( même si seulement une poignée de personnes peut le voir! ) Est de retour . Je me suis réveillé ce matin et dire aujourd'hui, c'est le jour .
Donc - ma légende de titre est toujours bon - je suis une nana heureux à Santa Monica , en Californie ..... et quand j'ai le temps , je vais partager des histoires , des expériences , des pensées et des pensées décousues avec tous ceux qui peuvent tiens à les lire .
Ayez un jour glorieux !
(Est dantesque même un mot en français? Ou en anglais d'ailleurs? lol)
Cela étant dit, beaucoup de gens m'ont demandé si je savais que les choses n'étaient pas tout à fait raison, et même si je n'ai pas relier les points à l'époque, que je regarde en arrière je vois que l'un des premiers signes que quelque chose n'allait pas avec mon cœur et l'âme, c'est là que j'ai réalisé que je ne voulais pas écrire sur mon amour ou ma relation ou mon mariage. Je suis entré dans une grotte et je n'ai pas envie de partager - et ce n'est pas la personne que je suis. Et les rares fois où j'ai essayé d'écrire, je n'étais pas moi-même directement et naturel. Franchement, pour tous ceux qui ont lu le post que j'ai fait sur la performance de violon - ce n'était pas la vraie fin . J'étais coincé dans un niveau surréaliste enfer Dante-esque où même une simple soirée avec mon dessus de la moyenne dans les deux regards et intelligence élève de cinquième a été un désastre tumultueux à cause de mon mari.
Alors, imaginez ce que je ressens maintenant que le désir d'écrire et de partager ( même si seulement une poignée de personnes peut le voir! ) Est de retour . Je me suis réveillé ce matin et dire aujourd'hui, c'est le jour .
Donc - ma légende de titre est toujours bon - je suis une nana heureux à Santa Monica , en Californie ..... et quand j'ai le temps , je vais partager des histoires , des expériences , des pensées et des pensées décousues avec tous ceux qui peuvent tiens à les lire .
Ayez un jour glorieux !
(Est dantesque même un mot en français? Ou en anglais d'ailleurs? lol)
Back in the Saddle and Back on the Market....(BITS and BOM?)
After a year of mind boggling anxiety, disappointment, stress, and chaos....I am feeling a bit like the self I have grown to know and love all these years of cognitive existence. (Hallelujah) This marriage was a brief diversion away from the joy, adventure, and love that I create in my life here in Santa Monica, and I am happier waking up alone with a smile than with someone that wanted to change me.
That being said, many people have asked me when I knew things were not quite right, and although I did not connect the dots at the time, as I look back I can see that one of the very first signs that something was amiss in my heart and soul is when I realized I did not want to write about my love, or my relationship, or marriage. I recoiled into a cave and did not want to share - which is SO unlike me. And the few times that I did try to write, I was not being my natural direct self. Frankly, for anyone who read the post I made about the violin performance - that was not the true ending. I was stuck in a surreal Dante-esque level of hell where even a simple evening event with my above average in both looks and intelligence fifth grader was a tumultous disaster.
So imagine how excited I have been to feel the urge to write and share (even if only a handful of people may see it!) again. I woke up this morning, and said today is the day.
So - my title caption is correct again - I am a happy chick in Santa Monica, California.....and whenever I have the time I will share anecdotes, experiences, rambling thoughts, and musings with whomever may stumble across them.
Have a glorious day!!!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Me and Holidays - a love-hate relationship
What is it about me and holidays?
One of my first boyfriends of note started Valentine's Day with flowers and candy, then broke up with me.
My father passed away on New Year's Eve.
My first ex-husband and I decided to get divorced on New Year's Day.
The flu struck me when I was a single parent literally about 10:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve when I had so much to do - that was a long, vomitous, vertigo-filled, feverish night. (It got done though!)
I had trouble with a pregnancy and was admitted to the hospital on an Easter Sunday.
My second ex-husband told me he was leaving me on December 27 (I consider the week between Christmas and New Year's as a holiday week - so did he.) and he moved out on on the 30th and 31st.
And yesterday, crushing news on Halloween. Crushing.
So, as the second ex-husband loved to snarl at me with great derision, "You are such a Pollyanna", I prefer to look at this in the following way - at least I remember the hallmarks and the milestones in my life easily! it certainly makes self reflection easier as long as I do not slip into self pity (which I rarely do though we all have our moments). I think about how lucky I am that my Dad passed away on New Year's Eve; he is a part of every celebration, every year.
So what is going to happen this Thanksgiving? This New Year's? Next Valentine's Day? maybe throw something in on the 4th of July? All I know is I can handle it all. And if things happen on a random day, I am much less likely to remember them. So thank you, life and holidays.
One of my first boyfriends of note started Valentine's Day with flowers and candy, then broke up with me.
My father passed away on New Year's Eve.
My first ex-husband and I decided to get divorced on New Year's Day.
The flu struck me when I was a single parent literally about 10:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve when I had so much to do - that was a long, vomitous, vertigo-filled, feverish night. (It got done though!)
I had trouble with a pregnancy and was admitted to the hospital on an Easter Sunday.
My second ex-husband told me he was leaving me on December 27 (I consider the week between Christmas and New Year's as a holiday week - so did he.) and he moved out on on the 30th and 31st.
And yesterday, crushing news on Halloween. Crushing.
So, as the second ex-husband loved to snarl at me with great derision, "You are such a Pollyanna", I prefer to look at this in the following way - at least I remember the hallmarks and the milestones in my life easily! it certainly makes self reflection easier as long as I do not slip into self pity (which I rarely do though we all have our moments). I think about how lucky I am that my Dad passed away on New Year's Eve; he is a part of every celebration, every year.
So what is going to happen this Thanksgiving? This New Year's? Next Valentine's Day? maybe throw something in on the 4th of July? All I know is I can handle it all. And if things happen on a random day, I am much less likely to remember them. So thank you, life and holidays.
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