Wide awake at 1:33 a.m.

Do you ever find yourself awake in the middle of the night having a "Talking Heads" moment - asking yourself, "Well....how did I get here?"  I am having one of those nights tonight.  I suppose I have been more successful at work than at relationships. The funny thing is, I feel as if I am good at relationships too.  They do not seem to manifest themselves for very long though, so I must not be.

I wish I could understand what happens.  I am careful not to push too hard, or be too much too soon.  I let the guy make the initial contacts nearly everyday, I do not get upset if plans change last minute, or if someone is having a stressed out day.  I smile, laugh, sing, feel joy, am extremely passionate, am direct in my communications while maintaining what has been described as an East Coast sense of decorum.  Most days (other than nights like tonight when I am awake at nearly 2:00), I am a big thinker, with goals and dreams and a desire to make them happen followed up by action.  I love to go places new and old, have favorite haunts yet still enjoy a freshly discovered place.  Music and movies are a huge part of my life, I love people and being social, and dancing.  I cook. While many would argue this - I feel I can be somewhat humorous.  I send little thank you or random gifts to people, and once I even surprised one of my ex-husbands with a car.

I actually want to make people smile.

Why am I alone?

On top of it, on a night like this, I think of other people, as quirky and delightful in their own way as I am in mine that are also alone.  Why?  It seems as if people who are couples have a magical skill that was taught on a day that I was out sick, and I never made up the work, and the teacher would not give me the lesson plan.

While I am truly one of the biggest Pollyannas I know (tomorrow morning, I will be singing songs and laughing at my morose moment of the previous night), I certainly know that couple are not living in a fairytale world of blue skies and flying kites everyday.  But they were able to find someone that was willing to work for them, for the relationship,   for the idea of the existence of the "duo".

Some people (if anyone actually reads this) will think that I am unhappy being alone.  That is not entirely true.  I live a full life on my own.  About once a year, I have this night.  This night where I cannot figure out why no man seems to get me, or think that I am special, or worthwhile.  When I know that no matter how hard I try to "do everything right", it just doesn't seem to matter, at least not to the prospects that I select.

If anyone is reading this that knows me well, they will probably know that I tend to be a very black and white thinker, without a lot of gray area.  Is that the problem?  If it is, I cannot change the very foundation of how I think, how I have created my life's philosophies, and how I see the world.

The part that I hate the most is when I actually let my guard down, when I actually let someone into my heart, when I think "this time it's different"....when I open my mind up to the possibility of someone finding me special.....and I take a risk and put myself on the line only to be hurt soon thereafter.  For some reason, maybe because I am a CEO, maybe because I don't let my feelings show, it almost seems as if people do not realize how much they have hurt me.  Inside, I am crushed....crushed to the point of barely being able to breathe......and I just say okay and move on.

And everyone else rushes at me barely noticing,  maybe asking if I am sick, and I will casually mention that my allergies are acting up, and what can I help them with, and the world keeps turning.  And people keep telling me they are so amazed at what a strong person I am.